First Dates Interview

“Ha ha – look at you!” chortled Will, as I tottered down our freezing rural staircase in nothing but my LBD, towering heels, and full make-up, at ten-thirty in the morning.

I’d dressed to impress for my Skype interview, as requested by the First Dates people, all prepared to show them moi in full evening finery, and take them on a tour of my home/B&B using the camera of my laptop.  Although I still had no idea how to work Skype.

“You have to turn it on,” Will said.

Well, blimey – at 11am on the dot my laptop juddered/rang.  It’s never done that before. I pressed a button and there I was, in a little square in the bottom right hand corner of the screen, so small that I couldn’t really see my saggy jowls and wrinkles; meanwhile a rather beautiful young girl flicking her long auburn hair, filled the rest of the screen.

I found the whole scenario most disconcerting, so much so that my verbal diarrhea dried up and I became boring.

“GO AWAY!!!” I yelled at Will a couple of times, when he popped his head through the door.

The ordeal was over after about fifty minutes.  She asked the same sort of questions that she’d asked previously.

“If we need you, might you be free in the last week of October, or the first week of November?” she queried.

“If they need me?” I thought to myself.  “Humm. That’s their get-out clause.  I was much too boring and haggard for them to want me.”  The girl hadn’t even asked to see my legs or my B&B or anything else, after all that.

“I was too boring,” I reported back to Will, glumly.

“No one else talks about enjoying swapping daily ECards with their stalker,” he replied cheerfully.

And blow me down – they’ve called back asking me to reserve the dates.  Eeeek!

First Dates

I’m going to be on it! Well probably anyway – they’re going to call at 11am today and I’ve got to Skype myself in my best gear going about my business in my home, so that they can get a handle on my personality and interests.

The first problem, as you can imagine, was getting the Skype app onto my stone-age devices. The programme-makers can also use Facetime (which I don’t think I’ve got either), but they can’t Whatsapp, which is the only one I can manage.

My mobile downloaded the app OK, but it got stuck after that. I yelled upstairs for Will to sort it out, while I departed for a slap-up dinner at Prince Hall, courtesy my great mate, Richard.

I had found myself with verbal diarrhea, speaking on the phone to the programme’s assistant producer, Jane.

“What sort of person would you like to meet?” she asked.

“I don’t know – someone who’s stronger than me, and good company?” I said.

“Would it matter how tall they were? Would 70 be OK?” she said.

Aghh – they’ve got some dwarf old grandpa in mind for me.

“Well they need to weigh more than I do, which is easier now I’ve lost nearly two stone,” I replied, “but they’d have to be really really charming and nice if they were that old.  Seventy-year-olds have wrinkly saggy boobs.”

I am most excited – the timing is fantastic.  This is coinciding with my ‘Meet the Author’ evening and will give me the chance to bang on about the most expensive B&B on Dartmoor and, even more importantly, my non-burgeoning career as an aspiring author.

Well, now I’ve nearly finished breakfast, I’d better put on a face and find some cleanish glad rags!  How terrifying! This could result in me getting publicly rejected in front of millions! Eeek!